Children Learn What They Live

Children learn what they live.

And live what they’ve learned.

“He looks like a mini version of you!” my friend exclaimed, as I showed her a photograph of my baby boy. She was one amongst many friends and relatives who had shared that my son looked like me.

It is natural that children take after their parents in terms of physical appearance. However, what may be of greater importance is that children also model their behaviours on their parents’ behaviours and learn from them. Research studies have shown that there may be a vicious inter-generational cycle of family violence. It has been suggested that boys who witness their fathers beating up their mothers are ten times more likely to abuse their future spouses.

A recent news report highlighted a government study which supported these proposals. Amongst individuals who had filed for personal protection orders, 11% had the same order made against them later in life. This suggests that individuals who suffered abuse may became perpetrators themselves. The government has said that in order to tackle domestic violence, its focus will be on breaking this cycle. This means finding ways to care for the victims, as well as the perpetrators, who may themselves be victims of abuse.  

In the not-so-distant past, family violence was a taboo topic. People kept silent, and were discouraged from “airing a family’s dirty laundry in public”. I am grateful that this situation is changing. In schools, PAVE and MOE have distributed an educational picture book titled A Day with Bob to give children simple steps on how to break the silence on family violence. However, dealing with the problem of domestic violence does not only lie with the government and the social service sector. It is hoped that the workplace can be another place of support for those affected by family violence. More outreach activities are being organised to raise awareness in businesses and equip workplaces to support victims of domestic violence.

I am sure that I am not a perpetrator of violence, but nonetheless, being a good parental role model is still not easy. In fact, it can be punishingly hard work. However, what keeps me trying my best is the desire to give my family the good inheritance of a joyful, peaceful, and loving home. I would like to invite us all, in our own families, to build virtuous cycles, and break vicious cycles.

St Rita of Cascia, Patroness of Survivors of Domestic Abuse, pray for us.

Kelvin Lim is a husband, a father of two, and a Programme Executive Trainee at Caritas Singapore. His favourite book is “Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World” by Henri J. M. Nouwen.